Saturday Night Secrets #2
This week, felt like an extremely long week…
ONLY because I couldn’t sleep at all. I kept finding things to distract me and to keep my mind off things because if I didn’t, I would literally end up torturing myself by doing crazy things. I would find something to do by studying, singing, walking around the outside of my house, and would even just sit down and watch t.v. with the volume on high.
To tell you the truth, television became my best friend this week. I would watch the t.v for hours and hours at night and I would force myself to fall asleep to the sound of laughter and music playing from the television. It was the only thing that would help me to think about other stuff. I hated falling asleep and I hated waking up. So in other words, I would fall asleep at night, and waking up every 20 minutes, and then I would wake up early in the morning, which just made me really tired throughout the whole day. I just hated everything. I hated it waking up feeling so useless. I hated waking up missing someone. I hated waking up feeling unimportant. And I hated waking up knowing that today would just be another day of just pure sadness.
This week, I was just mad. VERY MAD. I couldn’t stop the anger flowing through my body. Every little movement and decision I made, it all came from my anger. I just couldn’t do anything because I was so angry at everything. My friends tried to calm me down but all I could talk about was how angry I was. Every song I sang, involved the words, “Mad” or “Sad”. I just hated everything this week. But it ended off well. I realized that I shouldn’t be angry. I have no reason to be. I shouldn’t be reacting the way I should be because I know that I’m just bringing myself down. Everyone else is okay and I should be too. I was… enlightened. Honestly, everything is really tough on me right now. I’m going nuts cause I’m stressing and I’m just not myself. But I told myself that I will change. I will let everything go and just be happy. If they’re happy, then I will be too. If they’re fine, then I will be fine with them. I will not watch them be okay while I’m suffering. So I decided to just let go and be happy. It’ll be hard, but I deserve it. I know I might fail at it, but whatever it is, I will get through it. I will not be angry. I will let go of everything. I will be happy.